The Intervention 27-3 - A Decimal Number One-Shot
by Mackiecam
Summary: Helen and Valerie stage an intervention in Stephanie's life to try to convince Stephanie to settle down with Morelli, and Helen has told Edna that she won't get any pineapple upside-down cake if she doesn't participate. This short story takes place after Sneaky 27 (published on this site).


Helen invited Val and Steph over for an intervention, and Helen already had told me that, as Steph's grandmother and resident of her household, I had to participate. We told Steph it was for a surprise shower for Val. She was expecting her fifth child, and I hoped that she didn't have any more. There was no more room around the dining table, and Helen had resorted to adding an old card table to the end of the dining table when we had the entire family over for dinner. It was either that or eat in shifts, and no one wanted to let their lasagna get cold while they were waiting for a seat.

The card table was rickety and I was always afraid that it would collapse if we leaned too hard on it. I hated it when I was placed at the card table, and I had resorted to pulling the 'old lady' card and demanding that I was seated closer to the kitchen. I used the excuse that I could help clear the table better if I was sitting near the head of the table, but I knew that was just an excuse. Sitting next to Helen meant that you were served second –after Frank – and you had the prime cuts of meat to choose from. Again, I pulled the 'old lady' card and said that my meat had to be tender to account for me having false teeth. Again, it was a lie, but being old had to account for something, didn't it?

We told Val what was really going on. It was the three women who most loved Stephanie sitting her down and talking to her about what was going on in her love life. Helen thought she was insane for breaking up with Morelli, and her visions of additional grandchildren were flying out the window. Of course, Val was keeping up and giving her so many that Steph didn't really have to produce. Helen already had more grandchildren than her brother, not that it was a competition or anything. However, her niece was pregnant with triplets and Gerard, my other child, would soon be overtaking Helen in the race for grandchildren. Helen wasn't pleased.

So Helen was staging an intervention. She wanted to know why Steph didn't settle down with Morelli. I could see her point. Morelli was a good man. He was honorable, kind and loving. Best of all, he had a good package and I could tell that he was good in bed. A woman doesn't get to the age of seventy-four without being able to sense whether a man would be a good lover. In fact, if Stephanie truly wasn't interested in him, I could maybe see if he'd be interested in me. I'm a good lover. I have found that men really liked it when I took out my teeth. Apparently it made it more satisfying when you did that thingy with men's thingies.

Of course, I knew that Stephanie wasn't interested in getting back together with Morelli. She was with Ranger now, but she was still keeping it a secret. Knowing Helen, I could see why. Ranger had an even better package and, after seeing it a couple of years ago, I could attest to its impressive size. I was all for Stephanie getting together with Ranger. He looked like he knew his way around a woman's body. But Ranger didn't want marriage and kids, so he was a no-no in Helen's books.

Judging by how happy Stephanie had been lately, I thought the change in boyfriends was a good one for her. But Helen had wanted an intervention and I decided that I had never been to one before. It would be an experience and I'd like to go. Besides, Helen had promised me that we could watch television while we had the intervention, and men's wrestling was on TV at two o'clock. Some women liked Playgirl and some women liked GQ, but I liked watching men's wrestling. They were always so muscular, and the leotards that they wore showed off their thingies in all their glory. Stephanie said that the men wore jocks, but I liked to pretend that the men really did have packages that big.

Ranger did. I tried to imagine a jock big enough to hold him.

Val arrived first. She'd had Albert drop her off just so that the car wouldn't be visible. I thought that was good thinking. I hadn't known that Valerie was that smart. She was more like Helen, whereas Stephanie was more like me and was always getting into one scrape or another. It wasn't that I tried to get into scrapes. It just seemed that things didn't always work out the way I intended.

Valerie dropped her bulk onto the love seat. It was hard to believe that she was only six months pregnant. She looked more like thirty months. At the last family dinner, Steph had asked her whether she was sure that she wasn't expecting quintuplets, and Valerie got upset and began to cry. Helen got mad at Stephanie and told her that, although she had never experienced the hormonal swings associated with pregnancy, she should still be more sympathetic to her sister's state. Steph had looked upset at that, and I had to take her aside and speak quietly to her. I told her that Val couldn't help it that she was a piggy during pregnancy and that she always lost the weight after the baby was born, not that it really mattered. Albert was dedicated to Valerie and wouldn't care whether she was big or little. He just wasn't that kind of guy.

I sat down on the sofa over the gun that I had hidden there earlier in the day. Helen wouldn't have been pleased to know that I still had it, but I thought that any good intervention should have the interventee threatened with a gun. I had promised Helen that I would do my part, after all. The gun made the seat a little lumpy, but I thought that it would be worth it. Helen would be happy that I was taking this intervention stuff so seriously. She had been complaining to me that I had been encouraging Stephanie in ruining her life, and I didn't want her to think that I was okay with her breaking up with Morelli. Even though I was. After all, she was the holder of the pineapple upside-down cake. If I didn't support Helen, I could say goodbye to dessert for a while.

Steph came to the door of the house, and Helen let her in. "Is Val here yet?" she said.

"Everyone is here", said Helen.

Steph looked at her a little funny and I could see why. Helen looked a little off, and you could tell that something was up. She wasn't playing it cool. She would never have made a good spy. Now me? I would have made a good spy. I could be sneaky and could find out all sorts of information.

Steph came in and sat down, and looked around. Helen came in and sat down, and folded her hands into her lap. Valerie had the same earnest expression on her face as Helen. Stephanie's eyes tightened. I could tell that she didn't like where this scenario was heading, and I felt bad for her. I didn't fold my hands or put them in my lap. I didn't want Stephanie to think that I had anything to do with this.

"Steph", said Helen, "we asked you here today to talk about Morelli. We are concerned for you."

"There's nothing to be concerned about."

"He is a good man."

"Yes, he is."

"He's honorable, loving, and stable. He has a good job, a good benefit package and a good pension plan. He has his own house and he has proven through his care of his dog that he'd be a good father."

Stephanie sighed. "That's true."

"So why aren't you settling down with him?" said Valerie. She looked totally confused.

"Morelli _is_ honorable, loving and stable. He does have a good job, benefits and a pension. He does have a house. But he no more wants to be a father than I want to be a mother. He is making noises about it because he is hoping that, by making me into a mother, he will be able to control me and what I do. I don't want to be controlled. He is kind but has a temper when he doesn't get his way, and with me he rarely gets his way. He wants me to be safe."

"Then quit your job", said Helen. "Being safe is what we all want."

Stephanie sighed. "But it isn't my job, Mom", said Steph. "In the past I've tried different jobs. I've worked in a dry cleaners and a fast food joint. I've worked numerous jobs and in each one danger has followed me. Morelli knows this, and has decided that I'm a disaster magnet. He feels the only way to get rid of my bad luck is to get me pregnant – but he doesn't want kids. I would be left raising the kids by myself, and that's a role that I have never wanted."

"Raising kids is the most rewarding thing in my life", said Val.

"That's you, Val", said Steph. "You have always wanted kids. When we were little and played Barbies, you always took little Kelly and little Krissy and made a family. I chose GI Joe and had adventures. Now that we are grown up, we are living the lives we played as children. That's what makes us happy."

"You don't know if you are going to like it until you have kids", said Helen.

Steph shook her head. "I don't think that I'll like it and kids seem like the sort of thing that you really need to want before you have them. They are time wasters and money drains, and they suck all life out of you. You worry about them and devote yourself to them and I don't think the joy that they give you is in proportion to the care they take from you. I'm not up for the sleepless nights or runny diapers, the whiny voice when they are tired or the snotty noses when they are sick. And I think if you aren't up for that, you shouldn't have kids. You wouldn't be a good parent if you thought that way."

"You'd be a good mother", said Helen.

"That may be, but I don't want to be a mother." And that's when Stephanie turned the tables and went on the offensive, and I felt like cheering. "That's what this is all about, isn't it, Mom? You want more grandchildren, and what I want isn't important, nor are the reasons that Morelli wants children. You want more grandchildren and would do anything, including sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, to force me to have children. The fact that Morelli would largely be an absent dad and the children would be neglected by him is irrelevant to you. The fact that his job would always come first is irrelevant to you. The fact that I don't want children is irrelevant to you. What matters to you are you and your wants."

"NO! I just want you to be happy and I think that Joe can make you happy."

"For Morelli to be happy, he needs to be working at the precinct. He rarely takes holidays; he barely takes weekends off. Yes, he loves me. But I will always come second in his life. His first love is being a detective. That makes him an excellent policeman, but makes him a second-rate life partner. We've tried – and failed – at living together. We are and hopefully always will be good friends, but I think that is all we should be. When I settle down with someone, I want to be the most important person in their lives. I want to be supported in all things I do. I don't want to be treated as a fuck-up."

"Stephanie! Watch your language", said Helen.

"Seriously, Mom? You gather the three of you together and attack me about breaking up with Morelli and try to force me to get back together with him, and you get upset because I say 'fuck'?"

Helen looked abashed, and Valerie looked down at her basketball-belly in chagrin. Stephanie looked at each of them in turn, and then looked at me. I winked at her, and her face lightened somewhat.

"So I should give up on Morelli?" said Helen.

"Yes", said Stephanie in relief.

Helen looked down at the ground for a moment, then brightened and looked up. "I met Trevor Bilson at Giovichinni's the other day."

"Mom! No!" said Stephanie. "Stop setting me up with people."

Helen sighed.

I looked around the room. "Is the intervention over now?" I asked.

"Yes", said Helen with a dejected air.

"Damn. I didn't even get to use my gun."

"Your gun?" said Steph as she bit back a smile.

"Yes", I said as I pulled it out from underneath the cushions. "I figured that, if we were convincing someone to do something, we might need a little firepower to encourage things along."

"Ma!" said Helen.

"If you had badgered me more about Morelli", said Steph, "I might have used it on myself."

"Steph!" Helen crossed herself.

And then – I didn't mean to – but my finger slipped on the trigger and a loud bang happened, and plaster dust rained down from the ceiling.

"Oops!" I said. "How did that happen?"

"Ma!"


End file.
